A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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