i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
