Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
