508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
