well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
