just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
We named our party play list daddy issues
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize