so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
