Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
