When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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