dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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