Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
