dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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