Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
