I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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