he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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