Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
