Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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