I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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