so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
