dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize