I wish I could teleport
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize