New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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