ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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