i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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