I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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