"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
