i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
