i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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