I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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