she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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