Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
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