wakey wakey hands off snakey
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
