My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
