Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
