cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
