Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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