To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
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