Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
