Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
