So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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