Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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