she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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