I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
