I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize
