I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
