I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You took a bar mat shot.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
