his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
