you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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