He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
