when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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