Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
