I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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