I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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