We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
