Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
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