he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
